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Facing Parenting Challenges: An Interview With
Raun Kaufman By Maureen Bennie
 Most
parents say they would do anything for their children.
Their children's health and well being is the
most important thing - the #1 family concern.
Some families are put to the test when it becomes
evident there is something wrong with their child.
They have to struggle, make sacrifices, and demand
an inner strength from themselves that they never
thought possible. They are pushed to their limits
and just when they think they can do no more,
they have to go further. It is when parents are
exhausted, sleep deprived, frustrated and disillusioned
that they are asked to continue on, to go the
extra mile to make a difference in their child's
life.
Take the Kaufman family for instance. Barry and
his wife Samahria found out their son, Raun was
autistic in the early 1970's. Doctors said he
had an IQ below 30, he would never reach the development
of a normal person, and the best thing to do was
put him in an institution. The Kaufmans could
not resign themselves to accept this prognosis.
Instead they devoted all their waking hours for
three years to help Raun, to release him from
his isolated world. With no support from professionals
they developed their own treatment plan which
is now called The Son-Rise Program ®.
Samahria and Barry worked 12 hours a day, 7 days
a week with Raun trying to reach him. Instead
of correcting Raun's behaviors, they joined him
in whatever activity he was doing. These were
the first steps towards communication. After a
few months of working like this, Raun began to
communicate with his parents. Once the communication
began, they were able to teach Raun what they
wanted to teach him, using an array of educational
strategies.
Three and a half years later, Raun emerged from
his autism. He attended public school. He graduated
from high school and then Brown University with
a degree in biomedical ethics. He remembers very
little of his days when he was autistic. His parents'
tenacity gave him a new life, the best one they
could give him. Their Son-Rise Program ® is
now giving parents all over the world the same hope.
Raun is an international lecturer, teacher, and
the Director of Global Outreach for the Autism Treatment
Center of America.
When Raun meets parents all over the world, they
say to him, "You must be so grateful for
what your parents did for you." Raun replies,
"I am grateful." From his parents' perspective,
they don't view what they did as a sacrifice for
Raun. Every morning, Samahria said to herself,
"Do I want to work with Raun today?"
The answer was always yes but she allowed herself
the chance to say no. "Parents can't stay
motivated on the premise of what they do for their
children is a sacrifice. That will only sustain
them for awhile. Parents must do it for themselves
to have a relationship with their child. My parents
didn't judge me. They had a sense of boundless
optimism. They knew I would make the final choice
about my life, "states Raun.
The Kaufmans' priority was to build a relationship
with Raun. They had resistance from the professionals.
"Get rid of the inappropriate behaviors.
You don't know what you're doing," were statements
said to Raun's parents. The professionals painted
a gloomy picture of what lay ahead. Nothing could
help Raun. "I used to spin plates and was
immersed in my own world. When my mother picked
me up, my arms hung limp at my sides." Samahria's
first breakthrough with Raun happened when she
joined him in spinning plates. "I looked
at my mother for the first time. When she joined
me in a behavior I was exhibiting, I decreased
that behavior." Because his home environment
over-stimulated Raun, Samahria worked with Raun
in the bathroom where there would be fewer distractions.
Once they were connecting, Samahria would stretch
Raun more. She worked with his strengths.
"It is important to see the child as a whole
person," says Raun. "Focus on what they
like instead of trying to stop what they enjoy doing."
In other words, follow the child's lead. "I
remember a woman who was at the Options Institute
® who had a son that loved stairs. She was trying
to toilet train him. She used his interest in stairs
to get the task accomplished by allowing her son
to climb on a 3-step footstool. She then pushed
it against the toilet. Her son started climbing
the footstool to get to the toilet. He was toilet
trained within a week."
The attitude of parents is the primary focus
at the Options Institute ®. "Parents
are trying to address the practical side of life
such as how do I get my child to stop engaging
in certain behaviors. We address the emotional
side, to help the parents reach a place of peace
and acceptance with their child. Autism isn't
tragic. In our parenting course for typical children,
we tell our parents you don't owe your children
anything other than their basic needs. Anything
else you do is a gift. This perspective creates
a different attitude with kids, one where the
child is appreciative for what their parents do
for them."
A child-directed, child centered program helps
create a bond of trust between the parent and
child. "Parents are working towards having
a relationship with their child." What about
the siblings of autistic children? "How the
siblings react to autism is dependent on how autism
is viewed by the parents, "says Raun. "It
can break a family apart as we've seen by the
80% divorce rate statistic. If parents feel embarrassed,
terrible or guilty about having an autistic child,
the other children will sense these feelings.
If parents teach the sibling that their brother
or sister is special and may need more help, that
sibling is often more tolerant of others, sensitive
and caring. They feel love and pride towards their
sibling. These caring siblings have been taught
what they're doing is wonderful and special."
Raun's global view of parenting is an uplifting
one. "Parenting is about letting go, releasing
the need to control. Children aren't a reflection
of us as parents. Ultimately, children will make
their own choices. Parents get scared about what
those choices will be, but they have no control
over that."
Raun finds it fulfilling helping parents who
are walking the same path as his parents did.
Raun sees his role in autism as one of teaching
parents and sending the message that there is
hope; the children are not tragedies. Raun raises
money for parental choice - parents should choose
how they want to help their child and not have
to follow what the state recommends. He doesn't
want them to make decisions for their child based
on a financial situation.
Raun Kaufman is a living example of what gifts
parents can give to their children when they go
beyond meeting their basic needs. What a parent
does for any child, albeit special needs or typical,
must come from the heart. The parenting challenges
presented to us should be tackled in a positive
way. The glass can be half empty or half full
- it is all in how you look at it. Do not think
of parenting challenges in terms of sacrifice,
but rather in terms of building loving, lasting,
connected relationships.
Reprinted from Western Parent, December/January
2002-2003 issue, vol. vii, no.9
Information
Son-Rise Program®
www.son-rise.org
The Option Institute
www.option.org
The Autism Treatment Center of America ™
A Division of the Option Institute
2080 S. Undermountain Road
Sheffield, MA 01257 USA
(413)229-2100 or (800) 714-2779
Raun Kaufman will be doing a tele-conference
class for Autism Today (www.autismtoday.com) in
February. Log on for more information
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