By Jerry and Mary Newport

From Authors' Introduction

We are a married couple with autism/Asperger's Syndrome. That unique fact is the main reason Future Horizons asked us to write this book. The President explained that we could offer an entirely different view of the sexual world because of our experiences and place in life now. It is true that we have not only seen the abuse, rejection and confusion endured by those on the spectrum, we have lived it.

In considering the offer to write this book, we still wondered if we were the ones to do the job. After all, isn't a book like this the responsibility of professionals? But as we read what was available, we quickly realized that if anyone can convince our peers and those who love us that sexuality is an appropriate and necessary part of autistic life and education, it must be our people who do it. It is our sincere hope that this "different" perspective brings new knowledge to the reader.

The "sexual explosion" hits all of us. The realization that boys and girls really are different and that there is a reason why, is a huge and often traumatic event for our people, with lifetime implications. It may be the most difficult issue for many families. My parents were wonderful in many ways. However, sex was, of all topics, the one that my family just never discussed. That omission was unusual since my father, two brothers and my mom engaged in discussions/arguments over everything else. Meals were verbal food fights on a daily basis.

But there was no room for talking about sex. It was similar for Mary. Without question, we both feel that we would have been much better prepared to meet the complexity of relationships had we had discussions with our parents on this subject.

That is why Mary and I wrote this book. We understand that this is a very important stage in life. We remember the initial desire, rejection, alienation and all that came with it. We know from our own experience, from what many adult peers have shared, and what we see in adolescents and young adults today. My partner and I hope that this book will help our young peers and the important people in their lives to understand, discuss, and develop realistic expectations and lifelong coping strategies in response to that event that hits us all in life. And it hits a lot sooner today than it did the sixties!

As we said, this book is by two authors. You will always be able to tell who is writing in this way: Italics will indicate passages written by Mary Newport. The rest will be by me, Jerry Newport. We felt that we had to write this in a "realistic" manner. To that end, all pretenses had to be discarded as we discussed sex. In doing so, we will reveal aspects of our past that we have not discussed publicly before. We believe that two rational, objective, sincere people, who are both proudly "on the spectrum," can make a contribution to general understanding of this important subject.

We have interviewed many individuals on the spectrum, but we will obviously protect the privacy of those who have shared their experiences. Real names are not used unless they have already appeared in a widely read publication, such as a personal account or a letter to a newsletter of an autism organization. In order to further protect privacy, specific geographic locations are avoided. "Urban" or words like "midwestern" are as close as we will get.

This subject can't be examined without considering media, school and other influences. These shape the way that all kids, including ours, look at their world. But this book cannot expand its scope to cover all of those influences deeply as we would like as we strive to understand our primary subject. That is left to other writers.

We will present a narrative on the sexual awakening in our population and its impact as we become adults. Next comes a likely scenario for how our children survive the initial introduction of sexual awareness in their lives. That will be followed by a discussion of what parents should say to their newly sexually aware children, as well as when and how to say it. The parental part of the equation is not a one shot deal and must become a permanent, accepted part of family dialogue.

That discussion is followed by survival strategies, dating advice, and other social dynamics. We share as many coping strategies and positives as we can, but we can't be a Pollyanna about this. For many of our peers, sexual awakening is a huge nightmare, the biggest one of their young lives.

We deal with social responsibility: birth control, hygiene and disease prevention. We offer our views on the responsibilities of sexual activity. We also recognize that not every one will choose a conventional form of sexuality or necessarily, any sexuality.

The "Roads Less Traveled" chapter, near the end, aims to recognize and support individual rights of sexual and social lifestyle choices.

Finally, we offer long-term perspectives on sex, its changing significance in one’s life and constructive strategies to help people from our community grow socially and sexually at any stage of life, from puberty to adulthood.

In conclusion, Mary and I thank you for giving us a chance to share our ideas and feelings and hope they prove helpful to those on the spectrum, their loved ones, and caregivers.

We thank the rest of you for just being there.

From the Chapter: What Should Parents Say and When Should They Say It?

As we said, neither Mary or I had the benefit of a [sex] talk at the right time. Both of us wish that our parents had used the following guidelines. It would have made the sexual world far less threatening or surprising.

Here is a list of topics to use that should be very helpful to your son or daughter. You will note that the subjects go beyond a "birds and bees" discussion. For our kids the social topics are every bit as important as the sexual. We, and professionals who have counseled on this book, feel that both parent and child will benefit from this interaction.

1. Using a picture from a physical manual, explain the functions of sexual parts, both male and female. (If you cannot find one, just following this chapter is a simple one you could use.)

2. Discuss that sex is a part of growing up and is acceptable as a topic of discussion at the proper time and place (not casually at the grocery counter!)

3. Responsibility for one's actions in seeking and having sex.

4. The importance of respecting the wishes of possible sexual partners.

5. Discuss how sexual drives have to be moderated by responsibility.

6. Hygiene, Birth Control and disease prevention.

7. Talk about the feeling of being left out because of lack of social participation. Great time to talk about other ways to have social activities. (See # 10.) For young girls, stress the importance of not ever using sex as a new means of gaining popularity. When you are teenager wanting very much to be accepted, this can be a problem. (We reinforce this in another chapter.)

8. This is also a good time to reinforce the fact that you are there for them to discuss anything that comes up of a social or sexual nature. Important that they feel the connection to family support when they feel left out or confused.

9. Reassure your son, or daughter, that they will hear many "locker room tales" about the relative importance of genital mass, baseless bragging, and other sexual myths. We have found that half of what our peers told us was not true at all and the other half exaggerated. Good time to use the term, "Be skeptical."

10. Discuss the things that he or she likes to do and ways to incorporate that into social outings, either within the family or with friends. You may discuss your own first dates, early teenage social life and, if appropriate, any mistakes you may have made. Talk about how you found mutual interest groups and relate it to their life. You and they can discuss places where acquaintances and possibly future friends may be found.

11. Emergencies may happen and the child needs to know he/she can share information with the family if needed.

The bottom line is that this subject is not a one shot deal any more than good sex is a one night stand. It is a very important responsibility: You should introduce the subject as your way of respecting that your child is getting old enough to know about it and will have the benefit of your experience, understanding and support.

From the Chapter: What Do Women Really Want?

Many women have two hard and fast rules on a first date. Number one, don't let him in the front door when he drops you off. Number two: never kiss on the first date. Don't let this discourage you. She has some class. This is good. When the date is over and you have taken her home, simply ask if you can call her later in the week. If she says "no", let her go. There are many available women. You must keep patiently trying until you find the one who wishes to have a relationship with you. Even neurotypical men must go on first dates with numerous women before they find a prospective partner.

On the other hand, you might find yourself on a date with a woman who is very sexually interested in you, but you have decided that she is not someone you are really interested in dating. Do you take advantage of her? Have sex with her simply for your pleasure without any caring for her feelings? The answer is easy. No! This is a very bad idea. Short term gain, long term pain! You are sending a false message she will, and should, take as a commitment. She may very well desire a continuing relationship with you. I know that this "easy score" can be tempting, but it is unfair and unkind to her and could be very bad news for you if she has a big brother who does not take kindly to your deceit.

Assuming that you both want a second social engagement and you are out with her having a good time, caress her hand softly and see if she caresses your hand back. Gently hold her hand and tell her how much you enjoy being with her. If she smiles and blushes, gently smile back. Allow some time for her to respond. She might not say anything. That is not necessarily a rejection.

Even if she has been talkative throughout the date, she might just be shy at this moment, but very pleased at this initial physical/romantic contact. If she is still holding hands, look at her and smile. Lift her hand a little and kiss it. If she doesn't pull her hand away or slap you, CONGRATULATIONS! You have made it into the doorway of the magic kingdom of kissing and necking! But don't rush it. Those rather hefty doors can still eject you and slam shut in your face, and end the relationship, or damage it.

Retain your gentlemanly, romantic demeanor, even if she begins trembling with excitement and/or breathing more heavily. If all signs are "go", proceed to a gentle kiss on the cheek. If she turns her head toward you in response, give her a soft kiss on the lips but no contact from your tongue yet. And by all means, no lip smashing kisses. Heavier lipped kisses with great pressure are reserved for moments of highly aroused passion.

If she turns her head away, it means to call it quits right here. But don't just excuse yourself and go. She will likely become highly offended and never see you again. Women almost universally require conversation before, a little during, and absolutely after, any degree of sexual encounter. After the first kiss or two is an ideal time to hold her quietly and just listen to each other breathe together. Then, with soft, full lips, kiss her on the hand, cheek or lips and tell her that you want to see more of her. (in the unlikely event that she takes you literally, she could unbutton her shirt or pull it off completely. This happens every 100,000 dates or so!) Far more likely, she may give a socially appropriate response, such as a time, date and place for your next date.

In either case, you've got the green light to enter the "necking" phase. I suggest you gracefully but longingly end the session here if this is your first or second date. Express your desire toward her and she might also express hers. Please leave her desiring more. If you go too far, she might feel dirty and embarrassed afterward and call it quits. Don't take that chance!!

Remember, no matter how hot and steamy things get at any point in the encounters, always be a gentleman before and after. Some women want you to be a gentleman during and some want you to lose all inhibition and be a totally wild animal. You should be able to figure out which by her behavior.

Before engaging in heavy necking, which may happen on the third date or even much later, you should have a conversation about your moral and religious beliefs concerning sex. This is good for many reasons. First, it is clear that you don't want to violate any laws. Second, neither of you want the burden of a guilty conscience, and last you don't want to ruin the chances of the potential for a lasting relationship.

At this point, she may tell you directly or imply that she is a virgin. If so, she may very well be saving herself for marriage. Don't try to "make a woman out of her" in a highly aroused moment of passion. She will either loath and despise you for taking away her virtue or she will pressure you and entrap you into a marriage before you are ready. She will feel she must reclaim her state of virtue. Generally speaking, women feel different about virginity because of social norms and pressures. But some women will gladly lose their virginity. Find out first.

Reprinted with permission from the May-June 2002 issue of the Autism Asperger’s Digest, a 52 page bimonthly magazine devoted to autism. www.autismdigest.com